I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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