they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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