Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
