I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
