New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
