i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was not drunk enough for that final.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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