I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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