from now on my penis is your penis
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
