i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
