i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We need to get me chipped asap
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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