At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
