You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
