they need to just BURY HIM!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Even the bartender felt bad for me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
