I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
