you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
