its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
