Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You took a bar mat shot.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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