best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
