I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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