I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
