I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
