I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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