He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
