YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm both gender and math confused
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
