just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
