never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
