I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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