2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
