dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
