Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
