I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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