I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
