i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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