It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
