did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
