And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize