I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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