I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
