Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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