my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I want to be your penis for a week.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
