I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
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