I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
