someone threw a dead crab at me
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
