You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
