White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
