WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
