I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
