she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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