Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
