apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
