Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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