onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
