his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I looked at my own cervix.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
