Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
