I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
