I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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