Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
